Those who are old enough to study this book, are old enough to take the matter in to their own hands, and remedy the defects and supply the deficiencies of their early education. We beg them to commence at once, and at home.

Allow no false ideas of "liberty and equality" to cause you to forget for a moment the deference due to your father and your mother. The fifth commandment has not been and can not be abrogated. We commend to you the example of the Father of his Country. Look into the life of Washington, and mark what tender and respectful attentions characterized his intercourse with his only surviving parent. He never, we venture to say, spoke of his mother as "the old woman," or addressed her with incivility. "Never," an old friend of yours adjures you, "let youthful levity or the example of others betray you into forgetfulness of the claims of your parents or elders to a certain deference." Nature, a counselor still more sage, we doubt not, has written the same injunction upon your heart. Let your manners do justice to your feelings!

"Toward your father," that polished and courtly "gentleman of the old school," the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion," says, "preserve always a deferential manner, mingled with a certain frankness indicating that thorough confidence—that entire understanding of each other, which is the best guarantee of good sense in both, and of inestimable value to every young man blessed with a right-minded parent. Accept the advice dictated by experience with respect, receive even reproof without impatience of manner, and hasten to prove afterward that you cherish no resentful remembrance of what may have seemed to you too great severity or a too manifest assumption of authority.... In the inner temple of home, as well as where the world looks on, render him reverence due.

"There should be mingled with the habitual deference and attention that marks your manner to your mother the indescribable tenderness and rendering back of care and watchfulness that betokens remembrance of early days. No other woman should ever induce you to forget this truest, most disinterested friend, nor should your manner ever indicate even momentary indifference to her wishes or her affection."

III.—BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

The intercourse of brothers and sisters should be marked by the frankness and familiarity befitting their intimate relation; but this certainly does not preclude the exercise of all the little courtesies of life. Young man, be polite to your sister. She is a woman, and all women have claims on you for courteous attentions; and the affection which exists between you adds tenfold to the sacredness of the claims she has upon you, not only for protection, but for the exercise toward her of all the sweet amenities of life. Except your mother and your wife or affianced mistress (if you have one), no one can possibly have an equal right to your attentions. If you are young and have neither wife nor lady-love, let your mother and your sisters be to you the embodiment of all that is tenderest, most beautiful, and best in the human world. You can have no better school than your daily intercourse with them, to fit you for female society in general. The young man who loves his sisters and always treats them with the politeness, deference, and kindness which is their due, is almost certain to be a favorite with their sex generally; so, as you value your reputation for good manners and your success with other ladies, fail in no act of courtesy to your sisters.

The gentle and loving sister will need no injunction to treat an affectionate, polite, and attentive brother with the tender and respectful consideration which such a brother deserves. The charming little courtesies which you practice so gracefully in your intercourse with other gentlemen will not, you may be sure, be lost upon him. True politeness is never lost, and never out of place; and nowhere does it appear more attractive than at home.

Stiff formality and cold ceremoniousness are repulsive anywhere, and are particularly so in the family circle; but the easy, frank, and genial intercourse of the fireside, instead of being marred, is refined and made still more delightful by courtesy.

IV.—THE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

Reader, are you married? But excuse us, if the question is not a proper one. If you are not, you doubtless hope to be, sooner or later, and therefore we will address you just as if you were.

The husband should never cease to be a lover, or fail in any of those delicate attentions and tender expressions of affectionate solicitude which marked his intercourse before marriage with his heart's queen. All the respectful deference, every courteous observance, all the self-sacrificing devotion that can be claimed by a mistress is certainly due to a wife, and he is no true husband and no true gentleman who withholds them. It is not enough that you honor, respect, and love your wife. You must put this honor, respect, and love into the forms of speech and action. Let no unkind word, no seeming indifference, no lack of the little attentions due her, remind her sadly of the sweet days of courtship and the honey-moon. Surely the love you thought would have been cheaply purchased at the price of a world is worth all you care to preserve. Is not the wife more, and better, and dearer than the sweetheart? We venture to hint that it is probably your own fault if she is not.

The chosen companion of your life, the mother of your children, the sharer of all your joys and sorrows, as she possesses the highest place in your affections, should have the best place everywhere, the choicest morsels, the politest attentions, the softest, kindest words, the tenderest care. Love, duty, and good manners alike require it.

And has the wife no duties? Have the courteous observances, the tender watchfulness, the pleasant words, the never-tiring devotion, which won your smiles, your spoken thanks, your kisses, your very self, in days gone by, now lost their value? Does not the husband rightly claim as much, at least, as the lover? If you find him less observant of the little courtesies due you, may this not be because you sometimes fail to reward him with the same sweet thanks and sweeter smiles? Ask your own heart.

Have the comfort and happiness of your husband always in view, and let him see and feel that you still look up to him with trust and affection—that the love of other days has not grown cold. Dress for his eyes more scrupulously than for all the rest of the world; make yourself and your home beautiful for his sake; play and sing (if you can) to please him; try to beguile him from his cares; retain his affections in the same way you won them, and—be polite even to your husband.

V.—ENTERTAINERS AND THEIR GUESTS.

Hospitality takes a high rank among the social virtues; but we fear it is not held in so high esteem as formerly. Its duties are often fatiguing and irksome, no doubt, and sometimes quite unnecessarily so. One of the most important maxims of hospitality is, "Let your guests alone!" If it were generally observed it would save both hosts and visitors a world of trouble. Your first object should be to make your guests feel at home. This they never can do while your needless bustle and obtrusive attentions constantly remind them that they are not at home, and perhaps make them wish they were.

You will not, of course, understand us to mean that you should devote no attention to your guests. On the contrary, you should assiduously labor to promote their comfort and enjoyment, opening to them every source of entertainment within your reach; but it should be done in that easy, delicate, considerate way which will make it seem a matter of course, and no trouble whatever to you. You should not seem to be conferring but receiving a favor.

Begging your visitors to "make themselves at home," does not give them the home feeling. Genuine, unaffected friendliness, and an unobtrusive and almost unperceived attention to their wants alone will impart this. Allow their presence to interfere as little as possible with your domestic arrangements; thus letting them see that their visit does not disturb you, but that they fall, as it were, naturally into a vacant place in your household.

Observe your own feelings when you happen to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you or himself; and again, when in the house of another, you feel as much at ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson for your own improvement.

Furnish your rooms and table for your guests in as good style as your means and the circumstances of the case will permit, and make no fuss about it. To be unnecessarily sparing shows meanness, and to be extravagantly profuse is absurd as well an ruinous. Probably your visitors know whether your income is large or small and if they do not they will soon learn, on that point, all that it is necessary for them to know. But if any circumstance out of the ordinary course of things should render an apology necessary, make it at once and say no more about it.

Avoid by all means the very common but very foolish habit of depreciating your own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing uncalled-for regrets that you have nothing better to offer, merely to give your guests an opportunity politely to contradict you. But you need not go to the other extreme and extol the meats you set before them. Say nothing about these matters.

When visitors show any intention of leaving, you will of course express the desire you feel to have them stay longer, but good manners do not require you to endeavor to retain them against their wishes or sense of duty. It is to be supposed that they know their own affairs best.

Guests sometimes forget (if they ever learned) that they have any duties. We beg leave to jog their memory with the following hints from the graceful pen of "Mrs. Manners:"

"To accommodate yourself to the habits and rules of the family, in regard to hours of rising or retiring, and particularly the hours for meals, is the first duty of a guest. Inform yourself as soon as possible when the meals occur—whether there will be a dressing-bell—at what time they meet for prayers, and thus become acquainted with all the family regulations. It is always the better way for a family to adhere strictly to all their usual habits; it is a much simpler matter for one to learn to conform to those than for half a dozen to be thrown out of a routine, which may be almost indispensable to the fulfillment of their importunate duties. It certainly must promote the happiness of any reasonable person to know that his presence is no restraint and no inconvenience.

"Your own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly not hesitate to make her own bed, and to do for herself as much as possible, and for the family all that is in her power. I never saw an elegant lady of my acquaintance appear to better advantage than when once performing a service which, under other circumstances, might have been considered menial; yet, in her own house, she was surrounded by servants, and certainly she never used a broom or made a bed a her life."

VI.—SERVANTS.

We are all dependent, in one way or another, upon others. At one time we serve, at another we are served, and we are equally worthy of honor and respect in the one case as in the other. The man or the woman who serves us may or may not be our inferior in natural capacity, learning, manners, or wealth. Be this as it may, the relation in which we stand to him or her gives us no right beyond the exaction of the service stipulated or implied in that relation. The right to tyrannize over our inferiors in social position, to unnecessarily humiliate them, or to be rude and unkind can not exist, because it would be an infringement of other rights. Servants have rights as well as those whom they serve, and the latter have duties as well as the former. We owe those who labor for us something more than their wages. They have claims on us for a full recognition of their manhood or womanhood, and all the rights which grow out of that state.

The true gentleman is never arrogant, or overbearing, or rude to domestics or employees. His commands are requests, and all services, no matter how humble the servant, are received with thanks, as if they were favors. We might say the same with still greater emphasis of the true lady. There is no surer sign of vulgarity than a needless assumption of the tone of authority and a haughty and supercilious bearing toward servants and inferiors in station generally. It is a small thing to say, "I thank you," but those little words are often better than gold. No one is too poor to bestow, or too rich to receive them.



VI.

THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE.

Good manners are the settled medium of social, as specie is of commercial life: returns are equally expected in both; and people will no more advance their civility to a bear, than their money to a bankrupt.—Chesterfield.

I.—A PRELIMINARY REMARK.

In going out into the great world which lies outside of home we have no new principles to lay down for your guidance. Those we have set forth and illustrated in previous chapters are of universal application and meet all contingencies. We shall now essay a brief exposition of the established laws of etiquette, leaving each reader to judge for himself how far he can and ought to conform to them, and what modifications they require to adapt them to a change of time, place, and circumstances.

II.—INTRODUCTIONS.

It is neither necessary nor desirable to introduce everybody to everybody; and the promiscuous presentations sometimes inflicted upon us are anything but agreeable. You confer no favor on us, and only a nominal one on the person presented, by making us acquainted with one whom we do not desire to know; and you may inflict a positive injury upon both. Yon also put yourself in an unpleasant position; for "an introduction is a social indorsement," and yell become to a certain extent responsible for the person you introduce. If he disgraces himself in any way you share, in a greater or less degree, in his disgrace. Be as cautious in this matter as you would in writing your name on the back of another man's note.

As a general rule, no gentleman should be presented to a lady without her permission being previously obtained. Between gentlemen this formality is not always necessary, but you should have good reason to believe that the acquaintance will be agreeable to both, before introducing any persons to each other. If a gentleman requests you to present him to another gentleman who is his superior in social position, or to a lady, you should either obtain permission of the latter, or decline to accede to his request, on the ground that you are not sufficiently intimate yourself to take the liberty.

If you are walking with a friend, and are met or joined by another, it is not necessary to introduce them to each other; but you may do so if you think they would be glad to become acquainted. The same rule will apply to other accidental meetings.

When two men call upon a stranger on a matter of business, each should present the other.

The inferior should be introduced to the superior—the gentleman to the lady, as, "Miss Brown, permit me to introduce Mr. Smith." A lady may, however, be introduced to a gentleman much her superior in age or station. Gentlemen and ladies who are presumed to be equals in age and position are mutually introduced; as, "Mr. Wilson, allow me to make you acquainted with Mr. Parker; Mr. Parker, Mr. Wilson."

In presenting persons be very careful to speak their names plainly; and on being introduced to another, if you do not catch the name, say, without hesitation or embarrassment, "I beg your pardon, I did not hear the name."

It is the common custom in this country to shake hands on being introduced. It is better that this should be optional with the person to whom you are presented or with you, if you stood in the position of the superior. If a lady or a superior in age or social position offers the hand, you of course accept it cordially. You will have too much self-respect to be the first to extend the hand in such a case. In merely formal introductions a bow is enough. Feeling should govern in this matter.

In introducing members of your own family you should always mention the name. Say, "My father Mr. Jones," "My daughter Miss Jones," or "Miss Mary Jones." Your wife is simply "Mrs. Jones;" and if there happen to be another Mrs. Jones in the family, she may be "Mrs. Jones, my sister-in-law," etc. To speak of your wife as "my lady," or enter yourselves on a hotel register as Mr. Jones and lady, is particularly snobbish.

Introductions by letter are subject to the same general rules as verbal ones: we should, however, be still more cautious in giving them; but for directions on this point, as well as forms for letters of introduction, see "How to Write," Chapter IX.

But may we not speak to a person without an introduction? In many cases we most certainly may and should. There is no reason in the world why two persons who may occupy the same seat in a railway car or a stage coach should remain silent during the whole journey because they have not been introduced, when conversation might be agreeable to both. The same remark will apply to many other occasions. You are not obliged, however to know these extempore acquaintances afterward.

If you are a gentleman, do not, we beg you, permit the lack of an introduction to prevent you from promptly offering your services to any unattended lady who may need them. Take off your hat and politely beg the honor of protecting, escorting, or assisting her, and when the service has been accomplished, bow and retire.

III.—SALUTATIONS.

"Salutation," a French writer says, "is the touchstone of good breeding." Your good sense will teach you that it should vary in style with persons, times, places, and circumstances. You will meet an intimate friend with a hearty shake of the hand and an inquiry indicative of real interest, in reference to his health and that of his family. To another person you how respectfully without speaking. A slight note of recognition suffices in another case. But you should never come into the presence of any person, unless you feel at liberty to ignore their existence altogether, without some form of salutation. If you meet in company a person with whom you have a quarrel, it is better in general to bow coldly and ceremoniously than to seem not to see him.

It is a great rudeness not to return a salutation, no matter how humble the person who salutes you. "A bow," La Fontaine says, "is a note drawn at sight. If you acknowledge it, you must pay the full amount." The two best bred men in England, Charles the Second and George the Fourth, never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of their subjects. A greater man than either, and a true "gentleman of the old school," George Washington, was wont to lift his hat even to the poor negro slave, who took off his as that great man passed.

IV.—RECEPTIONS.

The duty of receiving visitors usually devolves upon the mistress of the house, and should be performed in an easy, quiet, and self possessed manner, and without any unnecessary ceremony. In this way you will put your guests at their ease, and make their call or visit pleasant both to them and to yourself. From a little book before us entitled "Etiquette for Ladies," we condense a few useful hints on this subject:

"When any one enters, whether announced or not, rise immediately, advance toward him, and request him to sit down. If it is a young man, offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly man, insist upon his accepting the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be seated upon the sofa. If the master of the house receives the visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself near her. If several ladies come at once, we give the most honorable place to the one who, from age or other considerations, is most entitled to respect. In winter, the most honorable places are those at the corners of the fireplace.

"If the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of the house rises, and any persons who may be already in the room should do the same. If some of them then withdraw, the master or mistress of the house should conduct them as far as the door. But whoever the person may be who departs, if we have other company, we may dispense with conducting farther than the door of the room."

Quiet self-possession and unaffected courtesy will enable you to make even a ceremonious morning call tolerable, if not absolutely pleasant to both the caller and yourself.

V.—VISITS AND CALLS.

Visits are of various kinds, each of which has its own terms and observances. There are visits of ceremony, visits of congratulation, visits of condolence, visits of friendship.

Visits of ceremony, though they take up a large share of the time of the fashionable lady, are very stupid affairs as a general thing, and have little to recommend them except—Fashion. The best thing about them is that they may and should be short.

You pay visits of congratulation to your friends on the occurrence of any particularly auspicious event in his family, or on his appointment to any office or dignity.

Visits of condolence should be made within the week after the event which calls for them.

Let visits of friendship be governed by friendship's own laws, and the universal principles of good manners. We shall give no particular rules for the regulation of their time or their length.

"Morning calls," the "Illustrated Manners Book" says "are the small change of social commerce; parties and assemblies are the heavy drafts. A call is not less than ten nor more than twenty minutes in the city; in the country a little longer. The time for a morning call is between eleven and two o'clock, unless your friends are so fashionable as to dine at five or six, in which case you can call from twelve to three. Morning, in fashionable parlance, means any time before dinner."

In a morning call or visit of ceremony, the gentleman takes his hat and cane, if he carries one, into the room. The lady does not take off her bonnet and shawl. In attending ladies who are making morning calls, a gentleman assists them up the steps, rings the bell, follows them into the room, and waits till they have finished their salutations, unless he has a part to perform in presenting them. Ladies should always be the first to rise in terminating a visa, and when they have made their adieux their cavaliers repeat the ceremony, and follow them out.

Soiled overshoes or wet garments should not be worn into any room devoted to the use of ladies. Gentlemen must never remain seated in the company of ladies with whom he is ceremoniously associated, while they are standing. Always relieve ladies of their parcels, parasols, shawls, etc. whenever this will conduce to their convenience.[B]

If you call on a person who is "engaged," or "not at home," leave your card. If there are several persons you desire to see, leave a card for each, or desire a servant to present your compliments to them severally. All visits should be returned, personally or by card, just as one should speak when spoken to, or answer a respectful letter.

In visiting at a hotel, do not enter your friend's room till your card has announced you. If not at home, send your card to his room with your address written upon it as well as the name of the person for whom it is intended, to avoid mistakes.[C]

When you are going abroad, intending to be absent for some time, you inclose your card in an envelope, having first, written T. T. L. [to take leave], or P. P. C. [pour prendre conge] upon it—for a man the former is better—and direct it outside to the person for whom it is intended. In taking leave of a family, you send as many cards as you would if you were paying an ordinary visit. When you return from your voyage, all the persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards, will pay you the first visit. If, previously to a voyage or his marriage, any one should not send his card to another, it is to be understood that he wishes the acquaintance to cease. The person, therefore, who is thus discarded, should never again visit the other.[D]

Visiting cards should be engraved or handsomely written. Those printed on type are considered vulgar, simply, no doubt, because they are cheap. A gentleman's card should be of medium size, unglazed, ungilt, and perfectly plain. A lady's card may be larger and finer, and should be carried in a card-case.

If you should happen to be paying an evening visit at a house, where, unknown to you, there is a small party assembled, you should enter and present yourself precisely as you would have done had you been invited. To retire precipitately with an apology for the intrusion would create a scene, and be extremely awkward. Go in, therefore, converse with ease for a few moments, and then retire.

In making morning calls, usage allows a gentleman to wear a frock coat, or a sack coat, if the latter happen to be in fashion. The frock coat is now, in this country, tolerated at dinner-parties, and even at a ball, but is not considered in good ton or style.

"Ladies," according to the authority of a writer of their own sex, "should make morning calls in an elegant and simple neglige, all the details of which we can not give, on account of their multiplicity and the numerous modifications of fashion. It is necessary for them, when visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with great care."

VI.—APPOINTMENTS.

Be exact in keeping all appointments. It is better never to avail yourself of even the quarter of an hour's grace sometimes allowed.

If you make an appointment with another at your own house, you should be invisible to the rest of the world, and consecrate your time solely to him.

If you accept an appointment at the house of a public officer or a man of business, be very punctual, transact the affair with dispatch, and retire the moment it is finished.

At a dinner or supper to which you have accepted an invitation, be absolutely punctual. It is very annoying to arrive an hour before the rest, and still worse to be too late. If you find yourself in the latter predicament on an occasion where ceremony is required, send in your card, with an apology, and retire.

VII.—TABLE MANNERS.

We shall speak in another place of the ceremonious observances requisite at formal dinner parties. Our observations here will be of a more general character, and of universal application.

Take your seat quietly at the table. Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any other uncouth action. Unfold your napkin and lay it in your lap, eat soup delicately with a spoon, holding a piece of bread in your left hand. Be careful to make no noise in chewing or swallowing your food.

Cut your food with your knife; but the fork is to be used to convey it to your mouth. A spoon is employed for food that can not be eaten with a fork. Take your fork or spoon in the right hand. Never use both hands to convey anything to your month. Break your bread, not cut or bite it. Your cup was made to drink from, and your saucer to hold the cup. It is not well to drink anything hot; but you can wait till your tea or coffee cools. Eggs should be eaten from the shell (chipping off a little of the larger end), with or without an egg-cup. The egg-cup is to hold the shell, and not its contents.

Be attentive to the wants of any lady who may be seated next to you, especially where there are no servants, and pass anything that may be needful to others.

When you send up your plate for anything, your knife and fork should go with it. When you have finished the course, lay your knife and fork on your plate, parallel to each other, with the handles toward your right hand. Of course, you should never put your knife into the butter or the salt, or your spoon into the sugar-bowl. Eat moderately and slowly, for your health's sake; but rapid, gross, and immoderate eating is as vulgar as it is unwholesome. Never say or do anything at table that is liable to produce disgust. Wipe your nose, if needful, but never blow it. If it is necessary to do this, or to spit, leave the table.

It is almost unnecessary to mention that the table-cloth is not the place to put your salt. Bread is the only comestible which the custom of well-bred people permits to be laid off your plate.

It is well not to seem too much in haste to commence, as if you are famishing, but neither is it necessary to wait till everybody is served before you commence.

It is perfectly proper to "take the last piece," if you want it, always presuming that there is more of the same in reserve.

VIII.—CONVERSATION.

As conversation is the principal business in company, we can not well pay too much attention to it; but having devoted another work to the subject, we shall make this section briefer than would otherwise be allowable, and refer our readers for complete instructions in this important art to "How to Talk."[E] The maxims which follow are mostly compiled from other works now before us.

The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others than in showing a great deal yourself. He who goes from your conversation pleased with himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. The most delicate pleasure is to please another.[F]

Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker. Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of hearing of themselves and their children.[G]

In promiscuous companies you should vary your address agreeably to the different ages of the persons to whom you speak. It would be rude and absurd to talk of your courtships or your pleasures to men of certain dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years. To women you should always address yourself with great respect and attention; their sex is entitled to it, and it is among the duties of good manners; at the same time, that respect is very properly and very agreeably mixed with a degree of gayety, if you have it.

In relating anything, avoid repetitions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, says he, or says she. Some people will use these so often as to take off the hearer's attention from the story; as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.

Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides, they can not be kept too secret. As to the affairs of others, what are they to you?

You should never help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted that every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny it. [There is an exception to this rule. In speaking with foreigners, who understand our language imperfectly, and may be unable to find the right word, it is sometimes polite to assist them by suggesting the word they require.]

Giving advice unasked is another piece of rudeness. It is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance.

Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every assertion a matter of dispute, betray, by this behavior, a want of acquaintance with good breeding.

Vulgarism in language is the next and distinguishing characteristic of bad company and a bad education. A man of fashion avoids nothing with more care than that. Proverbial expressions and trite sayings are the flowers of the rhetoric of a vulgar man.[H]

Never descend to flattery; but deserved compliments should never be withheld. Be attentive to any person who may be speaking to you, and be equally ready to speak or to listen, as the case may require. Never dispute. As a general rule, do not ride your own hobbies in a mixed company, nor allow yourself to be "trotted out" for their amusement.

IX.—MUSIC.

When music commences, conversation should cease. It is very rude to talk while another person is singing or playing.

A lady should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. If you can not sing, or do not choose to, say so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others. The complaint is as old as the days of Horace, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, can not be stopped.

In playing an accompaniment for another, do not forget that it is intended to aid, and not to interrupt, and that the instrument is subordinate to the singer.

When a lady is playing, it is desirable that some one should turn the leaves for her. Some gentleman will be generally at hand to do this, but unless he be able to read music, his services may as well be dispensed with.

X.—LETTERS AND NOTES.

Few accomplishments are more important than letter writing—in fact, it is absolutely indispensable to every man or woman who desires to fill a respectable position it society. But good letter-writers are rare. Too little attention is paid to the subject in our systems of education; and the lack of the ability to write a decent letter, or even a note of invitation, acceptance, or regret, is often the cause of great mortification, to say nothing of the delays, misunderstandings, and losses resulting in business affairs from bungling and incorrectly written letters.

The impossibility of doing justice to the subject in the very limited space that we could devote to it in this work, compels us to refer the reader to our little manual of Composition and Letter-Writing, entitled "How to Write," in which the whole subject is thoroughly explained and illustrated.

XI.—MISCELLANEOUS HINTS.

1. Which goes First?

In ascending or descending stairs with a lady, it is proper to offer your arm, provided the stair-case is sufficiently wide to permit two to go up or down abreast.

But if it is not, which should go first? Authorities disagree. Usage is not settled. It is a general rule of etiquette to give ladies the precedence everywhere. Is there a sufficient reason for making this an exception? One says that if you follow a lady in going down stairs, you are liable to tread on her dress, and that if she precedes you in going up, she might display a large foot or a thick ankle which were better concealed. He thinks the gentleman should go first. Another calls this a maxim of prudery and the legacy of a maiden aunt. Colonel Lunettes, our oft-quoted friend of the old regime, speaks very positively on this point. "Nothing is more absurd," he says, "than the habit of preceding ladies in ascending stairs, adopted by some men—as if by following just behind them, as one should if the arm be disengaged, there can be any impropriety. Soiled frills and unmended hose must have originated this vulgarity." Let the ladies decide.

2. An American Habit.

There is a habit peculiar to the United States, and from which even some females, who class themselves as ladies, are not entirely free—that of lolling back, balanced upon the two hind legs of a chair. Such a breach of good breeding is rarely committed in Europe. Lolling is carried even so for in America, that it is not uncommon to see the attorneys lay their feet upon the council table; and the clerks and judges theirs also upon their desks in open court.

3. Gloved or Ungloved?

In shaking hands it is more respectful to offer an ungloved hand; but if two gentlemen are both gloved, it is very foolish to keep each other waiting to take them off. You should not, however, offer a gloved hand to a lady or a superior who is ungloved. Foreigners are sometimes very sensitive in this matter, and might deem the glove an insult. It is well for a gentleman to carry his right-hand glove in his hand where he is likely to have occasion to shake hands. At a ball or a party the gloves should not be taken off.

4. Equality.

In company, though none are free, yet all are equal. All, therefore, whom you meet should be treated with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests.

5. False Shame.

In a letter to his son, Lord Chesterfield makes the following confession: "I have often wished an obscure acquaintance absent, for meeting and taking notice of me when I was in what I thought and called fine company. I have returned his notice shyly, awkwardly, and consequently offensively, for fear of a momentary joker not considering, as I ought to have done, that the very people who would have joked upon me at first, would have esteemed me the more for it afterward."

A good hint for us all.

6. Pulling out one's Watch.

Pulling out your watch in company, unasked, either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill-breeding. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called French leave was introduced, that, on one person's leaving the company, the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent.

7. Husband and Wife.

A gentleman speaks of his wife in a mixed company as Mrs. ——, and a lady of her husband as Mr. ——. So one does not say in speaking to another, "your wife," or "your husband," but Mrs. or Mr. ——. Among intimates, however, to say "my wife," or "my husband," is better, because less formal. Let there be a fitness in everything, whatever conventional rules you may violate.

8. Bowing vs. Curtseying.

Curtseying is obsolete. Ladies now universally bow instead. The latter is certainly a more convenient, if not a more graceful form of salutation, particularly on the street.

9. Presents.

Among friends, presents ought to be made of things of small value; or, if valuable, their worth should be derived from the style of the workmanship, or from some accidental circumstance, rather than from the inherent and solid richness. Especially never offer to a lady a gift of great cost; it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you, and of buying her good-will.

The gifts made by ladies to gentlemen are of the most refined nature possible; they should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill; a little picture from their pencil or a trifle from their needle.

A present should be made with as little parade and ceremony as possible. If it is a small matter, a gold pencil-case, a thimble to a lady, or an affair of that sort, it should not be offered formally, but in an indirect way.

Emerson says: "Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, his corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing."

10. Snobbery.

When you hear a man insisting upon points of etiquette and fashion; wondering, for instance, how people can eat with steel forks and survive it, or what charms existence has for persons who dine at three without soup and fish, be sure that that individual is a snob.

11. Children.

Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the matter of children, how many are born every hour, each are almost as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.

FOOTNOTES:

[B] "Colonel Lunettes."

[C] "Manners Book."

[D] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[E] "How to Talk: A Pocket Manual of Conversation, Public Speaking, and Debating." New York. Fowler and Wells. Price 80 cents.

[F] La Bruyere

[G] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[H] Chesterfield.



VII.

THE ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS.

Great plenty, much formality, small cheer, And everybody out of his own sphere.—Byron.

I.—DINNER PARTIES.

A young man or a young woman, unaccustomed to the settled observances of such occasions, can hardly pass through a severer ordeal than a formal dinner. Its terrors, however, are often greatly magnified. Such a knowledge of the principal points of table etiquette as you may acquire from this book, complete self-possession, habits of observation, and a fair share of practical good sense, will carry one safely if not pleasantly through it.

You may entertain the opinion that such dinners, and formal parties in general, are tiresome affairs, and that there might be quite as much real courtesy and a great deal more enjoyment with less ceremony, and we may entirely agree with you; but what is, and not what might be, is the point to be elucidated. We are to take society as we find it. You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called "society" at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the cost of the book.

We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points usage is not uniform, but varies in different countries, and even in different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits about you, wait and see what others do, and follow the prevailing mode.

1. Invitations.

Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the appointed time—the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once, addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make their preparations accordingly.

2. Dress.

You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice. A black dress coat and trowsers, a black or white vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles. The "American Gentleman's Guide" enumerates the essentials of a gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows:

"A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen, embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the wearer and the prevailing mode; an entirely fresh-looking, fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief."

A lady's "full dress" is not easily defined, and fashion allows her greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she must "be in the fashion."

3. Punctuality.

Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter, but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the railway train than for a dinner!

4. Going to the Table.

When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in order. If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady.

5. Arrangement of Guests.

Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it.

It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

6. Duties of the Host.

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another.

Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of any person you serve. Never pour gravy on a plate without permission. It spoils the meat for some persons.

Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything.

The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent.

The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained. You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished.

7. Duties of the Guests.

Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them.

If a "grace" is to be asked, treat the observance with respect. Good manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it.

Soup will come first. You must not decline it; because nothing else can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with nothing before you would be awkward. But you may eat as little of it as you choose. The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you, and do not offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second plate. The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables. The last part of this injunction does not, of course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish. Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it. The third course brings the principal dishes—roast and boiled meats, fowl, etc., which are followed by game. There are also side dishes of various kinds. At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries, grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your own to hold it.

We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave your knife and fork upon it. For this injunction we have the authority of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide," whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth.

Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and beware of drinking too much ice-water.

If your host is not a "temperance man," that is, one pledged to total abstinence, wine will probably be drunk. You can of course decline, but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those who drink. You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture.

Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth. Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table. It is not necessary that you should imitate them.

The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve, and the art is well worth acquiring. Ignorance of it sometimes places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by watching an accomplished carver than in any other way.

Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thoughts with those near you.

We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI. (Section 7, "Table Manners"), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our advice, you will not participate very frequently. An informal dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer and less ceremony, is much to be preferred.

II.—EVENING PARTIES.

Evening parties are of various kinds, and more or less ceremonious, as they are more or less fashionable. Their object is or should be social enjoyment, and the manners of the company ought to be such as will best promote it. A few hints, therefore, in addition to the general maxims of good behavior already laid down, will suffice.

1. Invitations.

Having accepted an invitation to a party, never fail to keep your promise, and especially do not allow bad weather, of any ordinary character, to prevent your attendance. A married man should never accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included.

2. Salutations.

When you enter a drawing-room where there is a party, you salute the lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped in an opake atmosphere until you have made your bow to your entertainer.[I] You then mix with the company, salute your acquaintances, and join in the conversation. You may converse freely with any person you meet on such an occasion, without the formality of an introduction.

3. Conversation.

When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he may, if standing, support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady partly turned toward him.[J]

The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing one with another at a party.

4. French Leave.

If you desire to withdraw before the party breaks up, take "French leave"—that is, go quietly out without disturbing any one, and without saluting even the mistress of the house, unless you can do so without attracting attention. The contrary course would interrupt the rest of the company, and call for otherwise unnecessary explanations and ceremony.

5. Sports and Games.

Among young people, and particularly in the country, a variety of sports or plays, as they are called, are in vogue. Some of them are fitting only for children; but others are more intellectual, and may be made sources of improvement as well as of amusement.

Entering into the spirit of these sports, we throw off some of the restraints of a more formal intercourse; but they furnish no excuse for rudeness. You must not forget your politeness in your hilarity, or allow yourself to "take liberties," or lose your sense of delicacy and propriety.

The selection of the games or sports belongs to the ladies, though any person may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in reference to it. The person who gives the party will exercise her prerogative to vary the play, that the interest may be kept up.

If this were the proper place, we should enter an earnest protest against the promiscuous kissing which sometimes forms part of the performances in some of these games, but it is not our office to proscribe or introduce observances, but to regulate them. No true gentleman will abuse the freedom which the laws of the game allows; but if required, will delicately kiss the hand, the forehead, or, at most, the cheek of the lady. A lady will offer her lips to be kissed only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. The French code is a good one: "Give your hand to a gentleman to kiss, your cheek to a friend, but keep your lips for your lover."

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any of the company, and "pay" those which may be adjudged to you with cheerful promptness.

6. Dancing.

An evening party is often only another name for a ball. We may have as many and as weighty objections to dancing, as conducted at these fashionable parties, as to the formal dinners and rich and late suppers which are in vogue in the same circles, but this is not the place to discuss the merits of the quadrille or the waltz, but to lay down the etiquette of the occasions on which they are practiced. We condense from the various authorities before us the following code:

1. According to the hours now in fashion in our large cities, ten o'clock is quite early enough to present yourself at a dance. You will even then find many coming after you. In the country, you should go earlier.

2. Draw on your gloves (white or yellow) in the dressing-room, and do not be for one moment with them off in the dancing-rooms. At supper take them off; nothing is more preposterous than to eat in gloves.

3. When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady and ask her if she will do you the honor to dance with you. If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you.

4. If a gentleman offers to dance with a lady, she should not refuse, unless for some particular and valid reason, in which case she can accept the next offer. But if she has no further objection than a temporary dislike or a piece of coquetry, it is a direct insult to him to refuse him and accept the next offer; besides, it shows too marked a preference for the latter.

5. When a woman is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a man not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her.

6. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprize him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson.

7. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

8. At the end of the dance, the gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows, and thanks her for the honor which she has conferred. She also bows in silence.

9. The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance. He should take notice particularly of those who seem to serve as drapery to the walls of the ball-room (or wall flowers, as the familiar expression is), and should see that they are invited to dance.

10. Ladies who dance much should be very careful not to boast before those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being perceived, recommend these less fortunate ladies to gentlemen of their acquaintance.

11. For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at whose house the ball is given, to dance frequently or constantly, denotes decided ill-breeding; the ladies should not occupy those places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should, moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the gentlemen should be entertaining the married women and those who do not dance.

12. Never hazard taking part in a quadrille, unless you know how to dance tolerably; for if you are a novice, or but little skilled, you would bring disorder into the midst of pleasure.

13. If you accompany your wife to a dance, be careful not to dance with her, except perhaps the first set.

14. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms.

15. A gentleman attending a lady should invariably dance the first set with her, and may afterward introduce her to a friend for the purpose of dancing.

16. Ball-room introductions cease with the object—viz.: dancing; nor subsequently anywhere else can a gentleman approach the lady by salutation or in any other mode without a re-introduction of a formal character.

This code must be understood as applying in full only to fashionable dancing parties in the city, though most of the rules should be adhered to in any place. The good sense of the reader will enable him to modify them to suit any particular occasion.

III.—ANNUAL FESTIVALS.

1. Christmas.

At Christmas people give parties and make presents. In Europe, and in some portions of our own country, it is the most important festive occasion in the year. Beyond the religious observances of the Catholics, Episcopalians, and some other sects, and the universal custom of making presents to all our relatives and intimate friends, and especially to the children, there is no matter of etiquette peculiar to Christmas which it is necessary for us to note. We have already spoken of presents; and religious ceremonies will find a place in another chapter.

2. The New Year.

In New York, and some other cities and towns which have adopted its customs, every gentleman is expected to call on all his lady acquaintances on New Year's day; and each lady on her part must be prepared properly to do the honors of her house. Refreshments are usually provided in great profusion. The etiquette of these occasions does not differ materially from that of ceremonious morning calls, except that the entire day is devoted to them, and they may be extended beyond the limits of one's ordinary visiting list. The ladies may make their calls on the next day, or any time within the week.

3. Thanksgiving.

This is the great family festival of New England—the season of home gatherings. Sons and daughters, scattered far and wide, then turn instinctively toward the old homestead, and the fireside of their childhood is again made glad by their presence and that of their little ones. Etiquette requires fat turkeys, well roasted, a plenty of pumpkin pies, unbounded hospitality, genuine friendliness, and cheerful and thankful hearts.

4. Birthdays.

Birthdays are sometimes made family festivals at which parties are given, and presents made to the one whose anniversary is celebrated. In France, these occasions are observed with great merry making and many felicitations and gifts.

IV.—EXCURSIONS AND PICNICS.

Picnic excursions into the country are not occasions of ceremony, but call for the exercise of all one's real good nature and good breeding. On leaving the carriage, cars, or steamboat, gentlemen should of course relieve the ladies they attend of the shawls, baskets, etc., with which they may have provided themselves, and give them all necessary assistance in reaching the spot selected for the festivities. It is also their duty and their happiness to accompany them in their rambles, when it is the pleasure of the fair ones to require their attendance, but not to be obtrusive. They may sometimes wish to be alone.

If a lady chooses to seat herself upon the ground, you are not at liberty to follow her example unless she invites you to be seated. She must not have occasion to think of the possibility of any impropriety on your part. You are her servant, protector, and guard of honor. You will of course give her your hand to assist her in rising. When the sylvan repast is served, you will see that the ladies whose cavalier you have the honor to be, lack nothing. The ladies, social queens though they be, should not forget that every favor or act of courtesy and deference, by whoever shown, demands some acknowledgment on their part—a word, a bow, a smile, or at least a kind look.

V.—WEDDINGS.

We copy from one of the numerous manners books before us the following condensed account of the usual ceremonies of a formal wedding. A simpler, less ceremonious, and more private mode of giving legal sanction to an already existing union of hearts would be more to our taste; but, as the French proverb has it, Chacun a son gout.[K]

For a stylish wedding, the lady requires a bridegroom, two bridesmaids, two groomsmen, and a parson or magistrate, her relatives and whatever friends of both parties they may choose to invite. For a formal wedding in the evening, a week's notice is requisite. The lady fixes the day. Her mother or nearest female relation invites the guests. The evening hour is 8 o'clock; but if the ceremony is private, and the happy couple to start immediately and alone, the ceremony usually takes place in the morning at eleven or twelve o'clock.

If there is an evening party, the refreshments must be as usual on such occasions, with the addition of wedding cake, commonly a pound cake with rich frosting, and a fruit cake.

The dress of the bride is of the purest white; her head is commonly dressed with orange flowers, natural or artificial, and white roses. She wears few ornaments, and none but such as are given her for the occasion. A white lace vail is often worn on the head. White long gloves and white satin slippers complete the costume.

The dress of the bridegroom is simply the full dress of a gentleman, of unusual richness and elegance.

The bridesmaids are dressed also in white, but more simply than the bride.

At the hour appointed for the ceremony, the second bridesmaid and groomsman, when there are two, enter the room; then, first bridesmaid and groomsman; and lastly the bride and bridegroom. They enter, the ladies taking the arms of the gentlemen, and take seats appointed, so that the bride is at the right of the bridegroom, and each supported by their respective attendants.

A chair is then placed for the clergyman or magistrate in front of the happy pair. When he comes forward to perform the ceremony, the bridal party rises. The first bridesmaid, at the proper time, removes the glove from the left hand of the bride; or, what seems to us more proper, both bride and bridegroom have their gloves removed at the beginning of the ceremony. In joining hands they take each other's right hand, the bride and groom partially turning toward each other. The wedding ring, of plain fine gold, provided beforehand by the groom, is sometimes given to the clergyman, who presents it. It is placed upon the third finger of the left hand.

When the ceremony is ended, and the twain are pronounced one flesh, the company present their congratulations—the clergyman first, then the mother, the father of the bride, and the relations; then the company, the groomsmen acting as masters of ceremonies, bringing forward and introducing the ladies, who wish the happy couple joy, happiness, prosperity; but not exactly "many happy returns."

The bridegroom takes an early occasion to thank the clergyman, and to put in his hand, at the same time, nicely enveloped, a piece of gold, according to his ability and generosity. The gentleman who dropped two half dollars into the minister's hands, as they were held out, in the prayer, was a little confused by the occasion.

When a dance follows the ceremony and congratulations, the bride dances, first, with the first groomsman, taking the head of the room and the quadrille, and the bridegroom with the first bridesmaid; afterwards as they please. The party breaks up early—certainly by twelve o'clock.[L]

The cards of the newly married couple are sent to those only whose acquaintance they wish to continue. No offense should be taken by those whom they may choose to exclude. Send your card, therefore, with the lady's, to all whom you desire to include in the circle of your future acquaintances. The lady's card will have engraved upon it, below her name, "At home, —— evening, at—o'clock." They should be sent a week previous to the evening indicated.

VI.—FUNERALS.

When any member of a family is dead, it is customary to send intelligence of the misfortune to all who have been connected with the deceased in relations of business or friendship. The letters which are sent contain a special invitation to assist at the funeral. Such a letter requires no answer.

At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are entitled to the first places. They are nearest to the coffin, whether in the procession or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full mourning dress.

We are excused from accompanying the body to the burying-ground, unless the deceased be a relation or an intimate friend. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we should give the first carriage to the relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with such a mien as the occasion naturally suggests.

FOOTNOTES:

[I] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[J] Madame Celnart

[K] Each one to his taste.

[L] "Manners Book."



VIII.

THE ETIQUETTE OF PLACES.

To ladies always yield your seat, And lift your hat upon the street.—Uncle Dan.

I.—ON THE STREET.

Nowhere has a man or a woman occasion more frequently to exercise the virtue of courtesy than on the street; and in no place is the distinction between the polite and the vulgar more marked. The following are some of the rules of street etiquette:

Except in a case of necessity, you should not stop a business man on the street during business hours. He may have appointments, and, in any event, his time is precious. If you must speak with him, walk on in his direction, or if you detain him, state your errand briefly, and politely apologize for the detention.

Do not allow yourself to be so absent-minded or absorbed in your business as not to recognize and salute your acquaintances on the street. You must not make the pressure of your affairs an excuse for rudeness. If you do not intend to stop, on meeting a friend, touch your hat, say "Good-morning," or "I hope you are well," and pass on. If you stop, you may offer a gloved hand, if necessary, without apology. Waiting to draw off a tight glove is awkward. In stopping to talk on the street, you should step aside from the human current. If you are compelled to detain a friend, when he is walking with a stranger, apologize to the stranger and release your friend as soon as possible. The stranger will withdraw, in order not to hear your conversation. Never leave a friend suddenly on the street, either to join another or for any other reason, without a brief apology.

In walking with gentlemen who are your superiors in age or station, give them the place of honor, by taking yourself the outer side of the pavement.

When you meet a lady with whom you are acquainted, you should lift your hat, as you bow to her; but unless you are intimate friends, it is the lady's duty to give some sign of recognition first, as she might possibly choose to "cut" you, and thus place you in a very awkward position; but unless you have forfeited all claims to respect, she certainly should not do such a thing.

In meeting a gentleman whom you know, walking with a lady with whom you are not acquainted, you are to bow with grave respect to her also.[M] If you are acquainted with both, you bow first to the lady, and then, less profoundly, to the gentleman.

If your glove be dark colored, or your hand ungloved, do not offer to shake hands with a lady in full dress. If you wish to speak with a lady whom you meet on the street, turn and walk with her; but you should not accompany her far, except at her request, and should always lift your hat and bow upon withdrawing.

Be careful to avoid intrusion everywhere; and for this reason be very sure that such an addition to their party would be perfectly agreeable before you join a lady and gentleman who may be walking together; otherwise you might find yourself in the position of an "awkward third."

In walking with ladies on the street, gentlemen will of course treat them with the most scrupulous politeness. This requires that you place yourself in that relative position in which you can best shield them from danger or inconvenience. You generally give them the wall side, but circumstances may require you to reverse this position.

You must offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention on your part. At night, in taking a long walk in the country, or in ascending the steps of a public building, your arm should always be tendered.

In walking with ladies or elderly people, a gentleman must not forget to accommodate his speed to theirs. In walking with any person you should keep step with military precision.

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for her.

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a shop, or store (if we must use an Americanism to explain a good English word), you should hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology.

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he can not give the information required, he will express his regrets.

"When tripping over the pavement," Madame Celnart says, "a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment, when the mud is very deep." This was written in Paris, and not in New York.

American ladies dress too richly and elaborately for the street. You should dress well—neatly and in good taste, and in material adapted to the season; but the full costume, suitable to the carriage or the drawing-room, is entirely out of place in a shopping excursion, and does not indicate a refined taste; in other words, it looks snobbish.

The out-door costume of ladies is not complete without a shawl or a mantle. Shawls are difficult to wear gracefully, and few American ladies wear them well. You should not drag a shawl tight to your shoulders, and stick out your elbows, but fold it loosely and gracefully, so that it may fully envelop the figure.

II.—SHOPPING.

Madame Celnart has the following hints to the ladies on this important subject. Having enjoined the most patient and forbearing courtesy on the part of the shopkeeper,[N] she proceeds:

"Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to the unpleasantness of his profession, and disregard violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow themselves so many infractions in this particular, that I think it my duty to dwell upon it.

"You should never say, I want such a thing, but Show me, if you please, that article, or use some other polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If after all you can not suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go away.

"If you make small purchases, say, I am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing. If you spend a considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeeper who waits for you to decide.

"If the price seems to you too high, and the shop has not fixed prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference."

III.—AT CHURCH.

If you go to church, be in season, that you may not interrupt the congregation by entering after the services have commenced. The celebrated Mrs. Chapone said that it was a part of her religion not to disturb the religion of others. We may all adopt with profit that article of her creed. Always remove your hat on entering a church. If you attend ladies, you open the door of the slip for them, allowing them to enter first. Your demeanor should of course be such as becomes the place and occasion. If you are so unfortunate as to have no religious feelings yourself, you must respect those of others.

It is the custom in some places for gentlemen who may be already in a slip or pew to deploy into the aisle, on the arrival of a lady who may desire admittance, allow her to enter, and then resume their seats. This is a very awkward and annoying maneuver.

You should pay due respect to the observances of the church you attend. If you have conscientious scruples against kneeling in an Episcopal or Catholic church, you should be a little more conscientious, and stay away.

Good manners do not require young gentlemen to stand about the door of a church to see the ladies come out; and the ladies will excuse the omission of this mark of admiration.

IV.—AT PLACES OF AMUSEMENT.

Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures, etc., should endeavor to go early in order to secure good seats, unless, indeed, they have been previously secured, and to avoid the disagreeable crowd which they are liable to encounter if they go a little later.

Gentlemen should take off their hats on entering any public room (or dwelling either). They will, of course, do so if attending ladies, on showing them their seats. Having taken your seats, remain quietly in them, and avoid, unless absolute necessity require it, incommoding others by crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely apologize for the trouble you cause them.

To talk during the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice. You thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you.

If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture, you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible.

Be careful to secure your libretto or opera book, concert bill or programme, before taking your seat.

To the opera, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to be taken off on entering. In this country, custom permits the wearing of bonnets; but as they are (in our opinion) neither comfortable nor beautiful, we advise the ladies to dispense with their use whenever they can.

Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be taken that they are well made and fit neatly.

V.—IN A PICTURE GALLERY.

A gallery of paintings or sculpture is a temple of Art, and he is little better than a barbarian who can enter it without a feeling of reverence for the presiding divinity of the place. Loud talking, laughing, pushing before others who are examining a picture or statue, moving seats noisily, or any rude or discourteous conduct, seems like profanation in such a place. Avoid them by all means, we entreat you; and though you wear your hat everywhere else, reverently remove it here.

VI.—THE PRESENCE.

"The mode in which respect to the presence of a human being should be shown maybe left to custom. In the East, men take off their shoes before entering an apartment. We take off the hat, and add a verbal salutation. The mode is unimportant; it may vary with the humor of the moment; it may change with the changing fashion; but no one who respects himself, and has a proper regard for others, will omit to give some sign that he recognizes an essential difference between a horse and a man, between a stable and a house."[O]

VII.—-TRAVELING.

Under no circumstances is courtesy more urgently demanded, or rudeness more frequently displayed, than in traveling. The infelicities and vexations which so often attend a journey seem to call out all the latent selfishness of one's nature; and the commonest observances of politeness are, we are sorry to say, sometimes neglected. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, good manners are too frequently elbowed aside and trampled under foot. Even our national deference for women is occasionally lost sight of in our headlong rush for the railway cars or the steamer.

To avoid the scramble we have alluded to, purchase tickets and secure state-rooms in advance, if practicable, especially if you are accompanied by ladies, and, in any event, be in good time.

In the cars or stage-coach never allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard for a moment the rights of your fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and no gentleman will refuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful politeness. In a stage-coach you give them the back seat, unless they prefer another and take an outside seat yourself, if their convenience requires it. But a word to—Americans will be enough on this point.

And what do good manners require of the ladies? That which is but a little thing to the bestower, but of priceless value to the receiver—thanks—a smile—a grateful look at least. Is this too much?

Mr. Arbiter, whom we find quoted in a newspaper, has some rather severe strictures on the conduct of American ladies. He says:

"We boast of our politeness as a nation, and point out to foreigners, with pride, the alacrity with which Americans make way for women in all public places. Some love to call this chivalry. It is certainly an amiable trait of character, though frequently carried to an absurd extent. But what the men possess in this form of politeness the women appear to have lost. They never think of acknowledging, in any way, the kindness of the gentleman who gives up his seat, but settle themselves triumphantly in their new places, as if they were entitled to them by divine right."

We are compelled to admit that there is at least an appearance of truth in this charge. We have had constant opportunities to observe the behavior of ladies in omnibuses and on board the crowded ferry-boats which ply between some of our large cities and their suburbs. We have, of course (as what gentleman has not?), relinquished our seats hundreds of times to ladies. For the occasional bow or smile of acknowledgment, or pleasant "Thank you," which we have received in return, we have almost invariably been indebted to some fair foreigner.

We believe that American ladies are as polite at heart as those of any other nation, but they do not say it.

The fair readers of our little book will, we are sure, excuse us for these hints, since they are dictated by the truest and most reverent love for their sex, and a sincere desire to serve them.

If in traveling you are thrown into the company of an invalid, or an aged person, or a woman with children and without a male protector, feelings of humanity, as well as sentiments of politeness, will dictate such kind attentions as, without being obtrusive, you can find occasion to bestow.

You have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoy or endanger the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.

If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist on paying for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the matter pass without remark, and return the compliment on another occasion.

FOOTNOTES:

[M] "Colonel Lunettes"

[N] For hints on the importance of politeness as an element of success in business, see "How to Do Business."